Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
