We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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