i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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