Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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