Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
