I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
