He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
