She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
