I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
