Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
