I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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