youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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