his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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