You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
