The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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