Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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