I'm drive I can fine osifer
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
