If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
