Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
