Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
