My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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