Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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