One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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