i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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