Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
