She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
