you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize