Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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