my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
