Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
