did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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