Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
