Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
