using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
