I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
