The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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