Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
