the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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