I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
