Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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