Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
