Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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