did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
