So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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