Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
