I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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