how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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