we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
