If that was your dad, he is hot
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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