Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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