i just had sex bonerless
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
