No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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